A Rare Glimpse Inside the Mind of a Spoonie

pizap.com14335482503141

My mind is on a rampage. Ok, I’ll just call it what it is. I am slightly anxious about something. Anxious about something that is so run of the mill for healthy people, but kind of a huge deal for a spoonie.

Does anybody else with chronic pain have trouble going new places and doing new things when you are unsure what the situation will be like?

This week I have to attend a church service at a church I have never been to. It is related to my job, and I do not have to attend, but it is highly encouraged. I could have said no, but I would have had to have a good excuse.

My excuse is that it is inconvenient to me to do new things when I am unsure what I will be facing. Yeah, pretty sure that will not cover it.

What I mean is, I have so many questions.

Will there be parking right next to the building?

Will I have to walk or stand for any period of time to get to where I need to be?

Will the chairs be wooden? Uncomfortable? Pews? Unbearable?

If they are unbearable, what will my options be?

What if I have to leave in the middle of the service?

Is this the kind of church where I will get looks if I sit down when people are supposed to be standing?

Will I be expected to stand up and mingle after the service? Because that sounds like too much.

What if I need to skip church (like sometimes happens), but I committed to going already, so how upset will work be if I have to cancel?

Ok, so it gets worse. After the service, we are supposed to walk to another building for a grand opening of a new counseling center.

The questions intensify.

How far of a walk will it be?

How crazy will people think I am if I drive to a place that is a block away?

What if I walk there, and I am not able to walk back?

What if I drive there, but once I am in the building, there is nowhere convenient to sit?

What if I have to leave before it is socially acceptable to do so.

Oh my.

My mind is a stressful place at times.

So, I’m going, but I am not happy about it. Likely my body will do fine, but I’m just bitter because it will probably mean that I then won’t be able to do anything else for the day. I would rather go to my normal, familiar church service without all of the stress and angst and then still have spoons left to make dinner for example.

But, sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I’ll try to remember to let you know how it goes.

18 Comments

    1. You are so right. Even as I was writing the post I was telling myself this. Still working on it. Thank you for the reminder <3

  1. I totally get this, and wish that others could understand the fears and anxiety that a new situation produces. I hate questions like, “You really can’t walk that far?” Umm, if I really could…I would! I dislike the awkwardness I feel when I have to do something different than the rest of the crowd. It highlights what I see as my inadequacies and brings attention to me when that’s the very last thing that I desire. All of this to say, that although you may feel alone when you are going through the motions on Sunday…know that you aren’t! Hold your head high and be courageous. And then come back here and tell us all about it!

    1. Thank you! Yes, I am already rehearsing answers to questions like that in my head lol. But not in a nice way. I always want to be snarky even though I never am in the moment. And I know that is not the answer to helping people understand 🙂 So true about it bringing attention to things I don’t want to bring attention to. Thank you for your support!

  2. And remember if a situation arises where you feel a tendency to say “I’m sorry”; resist that temptation with all your might!

  3. I’m with you 100%! For me, I consider whether the damage done by an activity will be worth the extra pain it’ll cause the next day, and the next… I review the situation in my mind – will there be bright lights, will it be loud – music? kids? animals? crowds? will there be a place to retreat to when I need a break? will there be activities I’ll be required to participate in even when I know I shouldn’t? etc etc etc. My advice to you is to pay attention to your body and to remove yourself from the activity voluntarily while you still feel okay – don’t be brave and stick it out to the end!
    Linda

    1. Yes, good advice! I will if I have to. The unfortunate part is that since this is for work it is not the same as when I go to my regular service. I often sneak out in the middle or right at the end if I need to. That will not come across the same way here. I will if I have to, but will be much better if I don’t. Glad I am not the only one who has all these thoughts and questions!

  4. I tend to get anxious as well, but sometimes I find there was no reason to be anxious. I hope that’s what happens to you this time around.
    Try to think back to when things didn’t go so well and plan what you can do to avoid them. Ask the questions you can ask beforehand, like if there will be parking.
    And best of luck to you. 🙂

    1. I am hoping this is one of those occasions where it goes smoothly and the worrying is all for nothing. Hopefully! Honestly, I will be fine, I will probably just need to speak up for myself.

  5. Ugh, my thoughts exactly when I have to go somewhere/do something new. This is why I try to be friends with someone who works at the grocery store, the bank, ect.. Or I make my husband go with me so that he can carry me out if I collapse, lol.

    Good luck, and I hope it goes smoothly!!

    1. Yes, my husband went with me, so that always makes me feel like I have a way out if I need it. It ended up going well, but as I predicted I am completely done for the day! All my spoons gone at 11:30AM 🙁

  6. I’m with those who say ‘don’t bother what others think. ‘ Lots of people have issues that we don’t even begin to imagine so rest assured you won’t be the only person there with concerns of some description.
    And DO remember to tell us how it went.
    Good luck!

    1. As I counselor I know this to definitely be true. Everyone is dealing with something, and you can never tell that by looking at them. Yet, still, I struggle with the common human fear of being “different.” Of course you are right, but that switch to not bothering what other people think doesn’t happen magically. Still working on it 🙂 And, thanks, it went well!! 🙂

  7. Am thinking of you. I get like that as well. Sometimes I do call ahead. But most times I tend to worry as well. I hope it went well for you and am glad that you decided to go 🙂

    1. Thank you so much! I did get some information ahead of time, and that helped. It ended up going well, and I am glad that I went 🙂

Leave a Reply