Counting Down to the New Year is a series of 12 posts in which I reflect on 2014 and prepare for 2015.
My word for 2015 is Enough.
I realized that in many ways my thought process over the past few months has centered on this concept of enough. In one sense of the word, I’ve had enough of all the ways that chronic pain pulls me down. Enough with the depression, enough with the anxiety, enough with the self-pity and seasons of hopelessness. Enough with feeling like life has little meaning if it must be lived this way, enough with days spent wondering “why?” over and over again.
And as far as it depends on me, hopefully 2015 can be a year of moving beyond these aspects of chronic pain that pull me down, tear me apart, and leave me feeling wasted. Chronic pain will continue to take a toll on me in 2015 (how can it not?), but the amount of hold it has on me is controllable to an extent. And so, I say Enough with letting chronic pain control my life, and Yes to controlling how I live my life with chronic pain.
But the other sense of this word is even more important. I have written about how “It Never Feels Like Enough,” and it truly never does. As I make small, tiny steps of progress over the past few weeks, as I gain the ability to add small things into my schedule, I am never satisfied. I am always wanting more. If I can make dinner, then I want to clean the house as well. And when I have to choose between the two, I throw a little hissy fit in my mind.
I am fairly certain if I was suddenly able to walk a mile, it would not be close to enough. I would want to walk two and then five, and then start running, and then start training for a half marathon, and then a marathon… and when would it ever stop? Because no matter what I can do, I wish I could do more.
And so, as much as I’ve had enough with this past year, I want 2015 to be enough in the other sense of the word.
There is no telling what 2015 will hold. Joys and celebrations? Sadness and devastation? It could go either way, and which ever direction the road turns, I want 2015 to be a year in which I focus on what I can do instead of on what I can’t, what I do have instead of what I don’t. A year where I use what I have instead of wanting what is out of my reach.
It is enough that I have a comfortable home, stability, safety, family, and friends. It is enough that I am saved, loved, and known by my Savior. It is enough that I spend each day showered in small luxuries – that piping hot cup of coffee, hilarious conversation, inspiring movie, or few hours of meaningful work.
May 2015 be a year of finding enough in the moment, whatever the moment might be.