I haven’t written much about me lately. I’m not sure why. It has something to do with not really knowing where I am.
The good and bad days come and go. Sometimes I feel acceptance of this chronic pain life and other days I seem to collapse under the weight of everything that has been lost.
I’ve had a lot of questions. All the normal questions that seem to occasionally surface when you have chronic pain. Lots of “why” questions. Lots of “what next” and “how am I really doing/feeling” questions.
New opportunities and possibilities keep coming up, and it feels like I have to say no to each one. Work has offered me more hours, and I calmly say “no” while inside I am anything but calm. Friends invite me to hang out, and I calmly say “I can’t this time” while inside I hope they know that really means “I can’t” and not “I don’t want to.”
I have had some good weeks. I have done things I enjoy and had days where I felt filled with happiness.
But then, something always spoils it. My physiatrist who has been giving me my prolotherapy shots has said there is little more she can do. That was a rough day. She doesn’t think other options such as PRP are right for me since I didn’t make enough progress with prolotherapy. She says the next step is to try medications that I have tried so hard to stay away from. I’m not sure I am ready for that. But if I don’t try something new, I can’t expect anything to change.
Some days I am filled with hope that even if the pain doesn’t get better, I can still live a full life. Other days I wonder what in the world the purpose of this life is if I can’t do anything. And still other days I become bitter, angry, and self-pitying. Those are not pretty days.
Book writing has been coming along. The last 5000-10000 words of my first draft are taking the longest. I revamped and reorganized the first few chapters. I am trying to tie up loose ends and write those last pieces that I left behind because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. To be honest, once I finish it will be more like a second or third draft because I keep going over and over various parts to get them just right. I know you’re not supposed to do it that way, but it’s just my nature. I hope to get a lot more finished this coming up week and update you further.
As you can see, I am quite scattered. My brain won’t stay in the same place. My feelings leap from hilltops to deep ditches. The only still part of me is my body, as I lay here on the couch day after day. It gets old, and I am tired of it.
It often feels like I need to be doing something or accomplishing something to stay positive and keep going. So I think I’m looking for the next thing. But I wish I didn’t need a next thing to keep going.