Living Right Now

living-in-the-now

Someone once told me that I can’t make decisions in the present based on how my body might feel in the future.

I can’t make decisions assuming I will get worse. I can’t make decisions assuming I will get better. I can only make decisions based on the information I have right here and right now. And whatever happens in the future, I can adjust my plans accordingly.

So that is what I am doing.

The last few weeks have felt like a whirlwind. I have been considering adding hours to my work schedule for the past few month as I gain client hours towards full licensure. The deadline is next May, and for the past 9 months I have been just on schedule. I know I need to take into account the likelihood of snow days this winter and any other hiccups in my schedule that could lead to not getting my needed average number of hours.

So, this past week felt like as good a time as any other. I added hours to my schedule, and what do you know, that same week I fell into a flare.

Not only a flare, but also starting a new class, getting dental work and hearing that I will need more work in the future, and feeling unable to keep up with any of the daily necessities of life.

I don’t even know how to classify my flares anymore. I can’t call it a bad flare, because I feel like that terminology needs to be reserved for more desperate times. But, calling it a mild flare doesn’t do justice to how much a flare of this kind affects me. It is so hard to quantify these things, but I guess the best way to do so would be to say that I have lost probably about 3-4 months of progress. Time will tell.

It is hard to describe the discouragement you feel when you work on physical therapy exercises for 4 months, inching your way up, only to wake up the next morning and not be able to do any of the exercises you could the day before. And you know it will take another 4 months to get back to where you were. And who knows when the next crash will come after that.

What crazy cycle of insanity is this? This is not how bodies are supposed to work. But the alternative is to not do the exercises, muscles wasting away, losing strength each day that is so desperately needed.

These are my random thoughts this week, and all together they are leading me to the conclusion that I have to live in the now, or I will start to go insane.

I have to live in the now, accepting what I can do, instead of pining over what I could do yesterday.

I have to live in the now, making decisions based on what I can do in the now, or I will never move forward.

I have to live in the now, knowing I can always change my game plan if I have to.

I have to live in the now, knowing God will give me strength to face whatever he desires for my future.

So, that is my plan. One day at a time. One physical therapy exercise at a time. Not looking behind or worrying about what lies ahead. This is where I am, and I can only use what I have been given in this moment, trusting that God will give me what I need for whatever lies ahead.

Check out the first booklet in the Chronic Pain and the Christian Life series, But God Wouldn’t I Be More Useful to You If I Were Healthy, on Amazon.com. 

8 Comments

  1. You have a lot on your plate right now… no wonder you’re feeling frustrated/anxious/overwhelmed! As hard as it is to resist planning for the future, you’re doing the very smartest thing by trying to manage one day at a time. We truly have no idea how our body will feel tomorrow, how it will react to the next set of circumstances. Logically, we can extrapolate based on days prior, but in reality, we don’t have a clue. My body, and I suspect yours too, tends to be a tad unpredictable when it comes to deciding how it will react to things, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. That old adage about borrowing tomorrow’s trouble is right. Be patient with yourself. You’ve done so well and come so far! I continue to keep you in my prayers. Linda

  2. I am so sorry that you have lost 3 to 4 months of your progress. You have so much on your plate, the dental work alone is a likely predictor of becoming flared up in my experience. I know how you feel, it is so disheartening to go backwards after all the time and effort put in to strengthen our muscles. Thankfully, we have the Lord to go to, to comfort us and guide us every hour of the day. Wishing you a speedy recovery and much wisdom with every decision you make, no matter how small. With love and hugs, Nancy. ?

  3. Hi Esther, so sorry to hear about the flare. Though I think you are very wise in how you are approaching the situation. What you can do now. When I regress, I always tell myself now that I can do it again and I’ve proven it so it’s going to be ok. That comes after the tears and tissues though 😉 Not lying to you. It is indeed crazy hard to plan in our situations. Like now with the move, I am making food reserves not knowing if my body will start rejecting food again once I’ve actually gone through the trip to our new home. I’m planning the boxes’ content according to how easy it will be for hubby to open them while I’m bed-ridden and can barely put food together. I prepare for the wort, but also I know I can make it through again. So like you, even though I’m in pieces and flared and the fibro is back like 3 years ago, I know with time it will be ok. I have faith that now this is what I can do, must do, and should remind myself. I still think we should plan ahead knowing that past experiences have taught us that certain activities will bring up a flare though, I wouldn’t completely say not to think of tomorrow. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t pace (normally, not during this move haha). So like you’ve been charting, that is sort of planning to know how much to expend. But yes, we should not stop ourselves and endulge or use some up when in real need like you are now with your hours. You need that license and we’ll all pray for that 🙂
    So a soothing hug to you, my mid-high flared friend. –

    1. Thank you! I had to do a doubletake when I saw your new “commenting name” 🙂 I always tell myself the same thing! That I have done it before and I can do it again. Great minds think alike.

      I am sorry to hear about how you are flaring so badly. Saying a prayer right now for strength for you to get through the hard days.

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