Someone once told me that I can’t make decisions in the present based on how my body might feel in the future.
I can’t make decisions assuming I will get worse. I can’t make decisions assuming I will get better. I can only make decisions based on the information I have right here and right now. And whatever happens in the future, I can adjust my plans accordingly.
So that is what I am doing.
The last few weeks have felt like a whirlwind. I have been considering adding hours to my work schedule for the past few month as I gain client hours towards full licensure. The deadline is next May, and for the past 9 months I have been just on schedule. I know I need to take into account the likelihood of snow days this winter and any other hiccups in my schedule that could lead to not getting my needed average number of hours.
So, this past week felt like as good a time as any other. I added hours to my schedule, and what do you know, that same week I fell into a flare.
Not only a flare, but also starting a new class, getting dental work and hearing that I will need more work in the future, and feeling unable to keep up with any of the daily necessities of life.
I don’t even know how to classify my flares anymore. I can’t call it a bad flare, because I feel like that terminology needs to be reserved for more desperate times. But, calling it a mild flare doesn’t do justice to how much a flare of this kind affects me. It is so hard to quantify these things, but I guess the best way to do so would be to say that I have lost probably about 3-4 months of progress. Time will tell.
It is hard to describe the discouragement you feel when you work on physical therapy exercises for 4 months, inching your way up, only to wake up the next morning and not be able to do any of the exercises you could the day before. And you know it will take another 4 months to get back to where you were. And who knows when the next crash will come after that.
What crazy cycle of insanity is this? This is not how bodies are supposed to work. But the alternative is to not do the exercises, muscles wasting away, losing strength each day that is so desperately needed.
These are my random thoughts this week, and all together they are leading me to the conclusion that I have to live in the now, or I will start to go insane.
I have to live in the now, accepting what I can do, instead of pining over what I could do yesterday.
I have to live in the now, making decisions based on what I can do in the now, or I will never move forward.
I have to live in the now, knowing I can always change my game plan if I have to.
I have to live in the now, knowing God will give me strength to face whatever he desires for my future.
So, that is my plan. One day at a time. One physical therapy exercise at a time. Not looking behind or worrying about what lies ahead. This is where I am, and I can only use what I have been given in this moment, trusting that God will give me what I need for whatever lies ahead.
Check out the first booklet in the Chronic Pain and the Christian Life series, But God Wouldn’t I Be More Useful to You If I Were Healthy, on Amazon.com.