My Crazy Brain on Chronic Pain  

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So I’m going out on a limb posting this. I hope I’m not the only one.

But. Chronic pain makes me slightly weird, and just a bit nutty. Chronic pain winds me tight, and when it finally lets go, when I finally have a low pain day, all of my craziness breaks free in a sudden rush.

Like today. I named my couch Humphrey. It just came out of nowhere, out of thin air. And then I laughed, all alone by myself in our little apartment for ten minutes. Out loud. At myself.

I will try my best to describe this interesting phenomenon – this crazy brain on chronic pain. During flares, my personality isn’t free to be expressed. I’m in too much pain to be myself. I’m too sad to be happy and too tired to be silly. And I have a theory. All of this personality, all of this craziness, all these the parts of me that aren’t free to be expressed when I’m in pain, build up in my subconscious. They become trapped behind this dam of chronic pain, pressing and pushing against an unbreakable barrier that won’t let me be me.

And then…

The flares breaks, and with it comes a huge flood of craziness. A rush of ME!

And I have moments of happiness that are completely unreasonable to the situation. Like feeling giddy over eating eggs at the dining room table instead of lying down.

And I start to sing silly songs that leave me in hysterical laughter. Songs about anything and everything, as long as I’m singing.

And I think funny thoughts in my head that make me laugh out loud like a crazy person. Like today. When I named my couch Humphrey.

And I find ridiculous ways to entertain myself, because I’m still alone and I’m still a bit bored, I’m just not flaring.  Anyone who spends this much time alone goes a bit nutty.

And I start running laps around my living room in my brain because I can’t do it for real. My mind obsessively thinks of ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. All those things I won’t even let myself think about when I’m flaring. But I’m feeling well enough to at least consider the future possibility.

This is me on chronic pain. My brain on chronic pain. Or else, I’m just a little bit crazy.

27 Comments

  1. “I named my couch Humphrey.”

    Funny, today I named my car “Betty.” I don’t know why — I don’t usually name inanimate objects. I mean, I know men do, but it seems a little silly to me.

    And what’s even funnier is that I cannot claim to be feeling the joy that comes from a day like you describe… So I’m thinking I must have been reading your mind. 🙂

    (Or I guess it could be the lack of sleep making me a little batty. Ha, Batty Betty, that’s me.)

    1. Lol yeah I think the lack of sleep and the isolation and the pain make us crazy in and of themselves.

      Betty is a great name for a car! Yeah, mine came out of nowhere as well. But I think it will stick. It just feels right 😉

  2. There is actually sanity in being just a little bit crazy! I totally get it. I’m not alone all day because I have the dogs but you should hear some of the conversations I have with them! LOL! It’s not crazy to ENJOY low pain days! :.)

  3. I like the idea of a group of us getting together on a low pain day….Maybe meet in Paris??? i have always wanted to go there.. on I forgot the flight is too long.. How about the beach on a warm sunny day….

  4. It would be daft not to go crazy with delight at having a relatively good day. I vividly remember my mother joking to me that I would miss the pain and exhaustion if it ever went. Those glimpses of ‘normality’ are so tantalizing. Lean into them and maybe just maybe they’ll become more frequent. They have for me but I never forget!

  5. Good to hear I’m not the only one! I know my husband never knows WHAT version of me to expect when he comes home any more, but if I’m honest, I’ve always been pretty wacky 😉
    Great picture of you on the beach 🙂

    1. Haha, yes so true. My husband doesn’t know what version to expect from me hour to hour lol

      And thanks about the picture. That was the last truly enjoyable vacation I have been on since pain became much worse. Truly a special time and special memories.

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