So I’m going out on a limb posting this. I hope I’m not the only one.
But. Chronic pain makes me slightly weird, and just a bit nutty. Chronic pain winds me tight, and when it finally lets go, when I finally have a low pain day, all of my craziness breaks free in a sudden rush.
Like today. I named my couch Humphrey. It just came out of nowhere, out of thin air. And then I laughed, all alone by myself in our little apartment for ten minutes. Out loud. At myself.
I will try my best to describe this interesting phenomenon – this crazy brain on chronic pain. During flares, my personality isn’t free to be expressed. I’m in too much pain to be myself. I’m too sad to be happy and too tired to be silly. And I have a theory. All of this personality, all of this craziness, all these the parts of me that aren’t free to be expressed when I’m in pain, build up in my subconscious. They become trapped behind this dam of chronic pain, pressing and pushing against an unbreakable barrier that won’t let me be me.
The flares breaks, and with it comes a huge flood of craziness. A rush of ME!
And I have moments of happiness that are completely unreasonable to the situation. Like feeling giddy over eating eggs at the dining room table instead of lying down.
And I start to sing silly songs that leave me in hysterical laughter. Songs about anything and everything, as long as I’m singing.
And I think funny thoughts in my head that make me laugh out loud like a crazy person. Like today. When I named my couch Humphrey.
And I find ridiculous ways to entertain myself, because I’m still alone and I’m still a bit bored, I’m just not flaring. Anyone who spends this much time alone goes a bit nutty.
And I start running laps around my living room in my brain because I can’t do it for real. My mind obsessively thinks of ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. All those things I won’t even let myself think about when I’m flaring. But I’m feeling well enough to at least consider the future possibility.
This is me on chronic pain. My brain on chronic pain. Or else, I’m just a little bit crazy.