Life is a tenuous walk on tight rope these days. Fortunately, I am getting much better at staying in line. For the most part I know what needs to be done for the days to work out in my favor.
I am thankful because I have been in places in the past where it didn’t matter what I did, there was no way I was possibly going to stay balanced. With some recent health improvements, staying balanced has been extremely difficult, but possible if I am careful.
For example, I know exactly how many hours I can sit before I risk too many consequences.
I know that on Mondays I need to lie down all day before work, which means I will make it through without too much trouble, and then when I come home from work it’s a canned soup day because I shouldn’t cook.
I know what days to shower and which days to not so I don’t smell at work but also don’t use up too much energy on showers throughout the week. That was a strange sentence, but life with chronic pain is strange at times.
I know that I need to take rest days between work days.
I know that on Sundays, I can make it to church as long as I don’t do much of anything else.
I know that when I work on my computer, I should do it lying down instead of wasting my energy sitting up. Honestly, anything that I can do lying down should be done lying down to save energy for activities that must be done sitting or standing up.
I know just how many exercises to do on which days to ensure that I don’t decondition but that I also don’t overdo it.
This life is a constant and confusing puzzle of allocating resources just so, in a way that everything that needs to get done gets done. And then I rest. I pick the most important things, I carefully schedule them into my week, and I survive. I am more than surviving lately. I have some days that I would dare call pleasant.
But, it is oh so easy for this tenuous balance to be thrown for a loop.
Step an inch to the right and I fall flat on my face.
Step an inch to my left and I rewind several weeks.
Something as simple as taking a shower on the wrong day can throw me off for the entire week.
Deciding to sit up too long on the weekend means the work week is oh so much harder. That is where I find myself today. I should have done that writing not the couch instead of at the kitchen table, but writing is just so much more enjoyable when I do it sitting down. It really is.
Choosing to not make a large pot of food on Saturday means I will be scrounging in the kitchen for something easy to eat or sitting on the couch just knowing if I make something it will throw me even more off.
Tightrope walking through life is an exhausting endeavor. It gets easier with practice, but even after months and years of walking the same rope, mistakes can still be made.
And sometimes it is not just mistakes but conscious choices to step of the rope because I am so dang tired of being up here when the rest of the world gets to walk on solid ground.
Just for a moment I step off to try and feel normal. And sometimes it is oh so worth it. And sometimes it is not. And whether it is worth it or not, the longer I stay on the ground, the harder it is to once again navigate the rope.