Where Has My Motivation Gone?

The motivation fairy has been stealing into my room at night and sucking the life from my brain.

Pretty sure this is a real thing.

The overflow of ideas that tumbled through my brain just six months ago has been replaced with a bitterly cold and empty numbness. I have lots of time spent on the couch each day, and unlike six months ago, the pain has lessened enough that I can use most of that free time to work.

It is almost as though the pain and the suffering formed the flow of my creativity before, but the pain did not allow me the energy to use of all of those creative thoughts. And now that the pain has lessened for the time being, I have the time, but I do not have the thoughts. It is quite confusing and frustrating.

I find myself in that frustrating in-between place. Some huge improvements, leaps and bounds in one sense, have been made recently. But it is just enough improvements that instead of feeling pain, I feel bored, because if I do too much, then the pain will be right back where it was before.

I should be jumping for joy (figuratively so I don’t hurt myself!) over the days of less pain, but instead I just don’t know what to do with myself. It feels as though I have come out of this long and deep hibernation to see how the world has gone on without me, and I am unsure in what ways I should try to rejoin the world, because who knows how long I will be awake?

Coming out of hibernation from the pain means that I have so many dreams and aspirations, but it would be unwise to pursue them right now because I am still one small push from falling back into the abyss of pain.

The same wants and dreams flood my thoughts every time I come up for a breath of fresh air after months underground. I think about how I want to add more clients at work, and all that I need to do to maintain licensure. I think of all the friends that I haven’t seen for so long, and try to figure out who I have the energy to keep up with. I think of all the things I would do if I could just make a few steps further in my health, but it is really a vain exercise, because once I take those few steps, I will just be thinking of how much better life will be if I can just step a bit further.

This in-between place of less pain, but still severely limited mobility if I want to stay in that place of less pain, is sucking me dry. It is sucking me dry not to the extent of those unending days of mind-numbing pain, but just in a different way, because I am more aware of the world around me and what I am missing out on.

And I am tired. I am tired from my own pain and the pain of those around me. I am tired from catastrophes that seem to occur every day in my own city and in the world. I am tired, and it seems that if I could just channel that tired into something creative and something good, then I would be ok.

But the problem is that the motivation fairy has crept into my room and stolen my creativity and my will to write.

Setting out nets to catch that sneaky little bastard. Will update.

5 Comments

  1. I think I know exactly what you’re talking about. When pain takes a step back, it’s like a light is being shone in the dark tunnel. The mind has too much new stuff to contend with.
    I reckon just try and embrace the fact that the pain is less and forget planning etc until you have a degree of comfort with where you are. That fear of relapse is all too familar.

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